Golf Lessons 2

My husband won t talk to me! I can t seem to get him to engage in a meaningful conversation, he always seems distracted. Or worse, he seems annoyed by my attempts to talk to him. Why won t he talk to me, we seem to be drifting apart? The desire wives have to engage with their husbands in meaningful conversations seems rather universal. The fact that men don t like to engage in that type of interaction is almost clich . What is the issue, and why has the man who seemed enraptured with his girlfriend now unwilling or unable to simply engage in conversation with his wife?

The answer lies in

the differences we see in males and females. Notice first how men have a tendency to bond with one another. Do you see men meeting at each other s homes to have a coffee and really get to know one another? Not very likely, most guys would find the invitation to such an activity extremely awkward. What you do see are guys that will bond with one another over time through shared activity. That can be the simple back yard barbeque with them standing around talking about nothing of importance, to fishing or hunting trips or shared sports activities. We see guys bonding even more tightly when they experience difficult circumstances together, such as police men or soldiers that face danger together or men who s livelihood and well being depend on the solidity of the group.

What this means is that men have a tendency to bond around activity. The find that it is a friend that they do things with that they will be prone to talk to, if they talk about their struggles or dreams at all. You question then, what has changed from the guy that I dated to the guy that I am married to now? We use to be able to talk for hours, now keeping his attention for five minutes outside of sex is almost impossible. Three things have changed; first, the novelty

of the relationship has worn off for both of you. You both have stopped your courting behaviors and as a result the relationship has gone a little flat. You certainly, as a married couple, find giving time to the relationship a challenge, particularly if you have children. Your courting behavior and ready availability during the dating relationship makes for a fascinating situation that holds your husband s attention. Second, you as a couple have stopped playing together and have focused more on working to handle life s responsibilities. Third, as you have become disillusioned with the relationship, you probably have started to lose some respect for your husband as a man and a person.

Why

are these two changes so significant in terms of husbands being willing to engage with their wives? The first issue of courting behavior is what allows us to be alluring to begin with, to attract others to ourselves. However, we assume that when we finally have that person s love, we no longer need to engage in our courting behavior, after all, they love us don t they? Well sure they do, but are you as attractive as you were when you were dating? I am not talking physically, although that can be a part of it, what I am talking about is how you act around your husband and how you treat him. Do you show him in how you present yourself to him that you really desire to be around him, that you enjoy him? Do you make any of the efforts to be attractive to him that you made when you were dating? After all, that is what you are expecting of him.

The second more important than the first, is the issue of playing together. Remember how guys have a tendency to bond with one another? They experience activities together. You will find that what your husband will enjoy is when the two of you can enjoy activities together, to be friends that do stuff together. It is during that time of play that your husband begins

to feel connected to you. Do not expect him to feel connected to you by sitting on the sofa and having a meaningful conversation, which will allow you to feel connected to him, but not necessarily the other way around. If you want him to be able to sit on the sofa and have that type of interaction, the feeling of connection is going to have to be built in others ways as well. Yes, you will have to learn to play together to accomplish this, but it will be worth it. You will find that while you are playing together he relaxes and begins to open up to you, and you begin to talk. You will also be forming the type of bond that will allow him to be available to talk to you in ways and settings that are more meaningful to you.

The last change, the loss of respect, is also very important. Men need to feel respected in order to value and enjoy a relationship. Women, typically wish to feel loved. Unfortunately, as husbands disappoint their wives in terms of the relationship, her respect for her husband declines. This will leave a husband feeling emasculated around his wife, sometimes just mildly, sometimes rather strongly. At the very least, he is not going to be inclined to spend time talking with someone that leaves him feeling less manly.

You need to recognize that offering your husband respect will leave him feeling good about the relationship and more inclined to pursue time with you. So what can you do to begin to promote change?
1. Remember to work at your courting behavior; if you wish him to act more like he did when you were dating you have to as well.
2. Join him in some of his activities and learn to enjoy them. Take up golf or weight lifting if that is what he does, it will become a point of contact for the two of you.
3. Make sure that you are setting aside time to pursue interaction with him that is fun in nature. Don t be waiting until there is an issue to try to talk to him. That way you can be seen as fun, like it use to be.
4. Develop new activities to do together that are fun and interesting to the both of you. This will help to cement the bond between the two of you.
5. Learn to respect your husband again. When you dated, you thought very highly of him or else you would not have married him. You may have to look for qualities to respect after a period of being disappointed and focusing on those disappointments. But most guys have admirable qualities that can be appreciated.
6. Don t expect that he will want to talk to you like a girlfriend talks to you, after all he is a guy. Learn to appreciate how he communicates and what makes that easier for him rather than expecting him to conform to your expectations.
Learn to enjoy each other again and the conversation will begin to trickle and then flow!

Troy L Parrish, MA LCPC is a therapist in private practice in the Columbia, Maryland area. He has almost 18 years of clinical experience in dealing with children, couples and families. He has recently taken an interest in the appreciation of boys as being unique and needing encouragement to express their masculine qualities in a way that is healthy and fulfilling to these boys

and men. Because of this interest he has developed a web page devoted to the appreciation of boys, their uniqueness and the encouragement of the embracing of those qualities. You can visit that page at:
http://boysbehavior.thehomeschoolorganizer.com